Umm I'm too high to move.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i would punch a child for taco bell
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Let's paint friendship bongs
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
