dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
