ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
