im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
