your thong is hanging out like whoa
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
