Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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