you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
