South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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