remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
