I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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