My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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