Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
