I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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