there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
