dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
