Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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