I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
