he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
