Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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