I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
