If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
