He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
