you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
