So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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