Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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