I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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