my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
