forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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