Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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