I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
