so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
