Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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