Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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