i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
