im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
