you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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