Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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