I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
