youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
