at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The air was thick with penises
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
