im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
