Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
