I accidentally had phone sex last night
kristin has been a bad kristin
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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