hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
