just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year