And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
