Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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