I look better un-naked...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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