you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
