I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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