Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
