just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
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The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
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My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?