She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
