Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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