He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
