i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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