Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
